Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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