Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
