Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
