i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
