Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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