WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
