Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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