i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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