stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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