My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
