I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
