Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
