one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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