Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
