i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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