we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
