I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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