my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
