Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
