the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Drunk is not a location!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
