did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
