Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
