just tell him i said nine months
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
