The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
