What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
