Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
