I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
