I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
