cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
