So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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