Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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