I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
