i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
