phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
