so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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