I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
