I could make wine with my vomit
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
