I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
