I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
