i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
