And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
