I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
