My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
