Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
