I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
