I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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