just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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