Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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