In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
