just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
